24 Weeks 4 Days - Doc Visit, Belly Pic, and an Emotional Breakdown

I had my 24-week checkup yesterday at the doc's office, and everything was good! The baby's heartbeat was between 140 and 150, I'd gained around 17 lbs total, and my fundal height was at about 23 cm. This actually surprised me - with Krew I always measured a centimeter or two ahead of schedule, but this pregnancy I'm actually behind. (Your fundal height in centimeters should approximately be equal to the number of weeks in your pregnancy.) It didn't just surprise me because of my past pregnancy, but also because I feel like my belly is giant. Observe the picture below:

24 weeks 4 days

Granted, I have a dress on that accents my bump a lot more than a t-shirt, but my belly looks HUGE for 24 1/2 weeks.

I also had a slight complete breakdown in the office. The doctor I saw yesterday hadn't seen me yet this pregnancy (and actually didn't remember he'd ever seen me at all, although he did once with Krew), and so he didn't know my history well.  (He was actually my favorite doctor when I was pregnant with Krew, until I met Dr. Gausmann who did my delivery.)  He asked if I was still on Zoloft (which I took for my postpartum depression), and I told him no, but that I'd requested to be put back on it as soon as this baby is born. After I told him that, he was silent for a moment, then said that he'd prefer I be open to waiting to see if I get depression again prior to starting meds, because every pregnancy is different. He continued to talk, but nothing else made it past my ears. All I could hear over and over in my head was that he didn't want me to start depression medications for prevention. I felt a giant lump forming in my throat and my eyes began to water. I couldn't get a word out.

He said something along the lines of, "I know this is an emotional topic..." and then he looked at me and said, "And I can see you're getting emotional now..."

And at that moment the floodgates opened and I lost it. I sobbed out, "Dr. Gausmann said I could have medication!!" and the tears were pouring down my face. He grabbed some tissues and came quickly over, placing his hand on my knee while I bawled my eyes out. "I was borderline suicidal," I stammered out, "I can't go through that again with my son. It was the worst experience of my life." He replied, "So you were pretty sick," and I nodded, crying and staring down at the floor. He asked if I'd gotten psychiatric care, and I said no, and he said, "So you pulled yourself out of it," and I nodded. He asked how long I'd taken medication and I said I'd taken myself off of it after six months. Then he said very kindly, "Look, if you think you need the medication, then we'll let you have it. You don't need to worry, you can take meds if you think it's important. Just realize that this pregnancy isn't necessarily going to be as bad as your last one, and you may not have the same experience." I just nodded and squeaked out an "Ok" the best I could.  I could tell he felt really bad and realized he'd spoken before understanding my full situation.

After he left the room, it took everything in me to dry my eyes enough to check out. And then as soon as I left the office the tears started pouring again. I couldn't stop crying. I just kept flashing back to the pain, the guilt. Every time I think about the way I felt toward Krew during my depression, I am filled with such incredible mommy guilt that it's all I can do not to be sick to my stomach. And to think of the possibility of feeling that way again, now that Krew is older and would understand that mommy was acting weird toward him - it's too much for me to handle. The pain and depression I'm not scared of. But not feeling my motherly love toward Krew or my next son, and having Krew notice that? The thought is unbearable.

The whole way to work after the appointment I prayed to God. Prayed that He would protect me, that He would protect Krew. That He would give me the medication I need. That if I do get depressed, He would fill in where I fall short. That He would prevent Krew from understanding or noticing if I act weird. That I would return to my old self quickly should depression hit.

It's terrifying to me to think that my whole personality could change after this baby is born. Because that's definitely what happened after Krew's birth.  And it happened quickly.  Within a week.  I just have to pray, pray, pray, and do everything possible to make sure the doctors will allow me to take preventative medication to alleviate anything that may happen.  I'm going to make sure I get to talk to Dr. Gausmann another time before this baby is born to ensure she's directed in my chart to start me on Zoloft.  The meeting with the doctor yesterday confirmed that I made the right decision in staying with the OB-GYN office with the doctor who knows my postpartum depression history.  What would I have done if I was at another office where I couldn't pull the "Dr. Gausmann said so" card?

Anyway...that was the drama for this week.  If you think about it, please keep me in your prayers as it gets closer to time to have this baby.  I am so, so, SO excited to have him join our family, but after my appointment yesterday I must admit I'm a little scared. :(

(If you'd like to read about my postpartum depression experience, you can check out my blog post here:  http://www.just1step.com/2011/05/postpartum-depression-my-take.html.)